I am male, hence I have a fundamental need to use a nickname for anything towards which I show affection. Not just any nickname, but a good quality pet name. The late Dr. Mike [now Dr. Rev. David, cult leader; you gotta watch those cults they can grab the person you least expect and then they’re gone.] used to say that guy’s pet names boil down to cute baby animals or food. Sure you are thinking, muffin, kitten are common but when you really think about it you will see how true it is. This is likely because we, as men, are really only willing to show public affection towards food and animals. Thus by ascribing a food or animal nickname to a person we can show affection towards that person. The one anomaly is Katie. Very early in life her granddad started calling her Katie Bug and it stuck. Generally symbolized by a lady bug, this is close enough to a baby animal that I don’t see it as a failure of the theory, just a statistical out lier.

For me nicknames also require strong potential for derivation. Jen is convinced I do this because I am just like her father. (hint, hint, the relationship is through nothing more than gender) I can’t articulate why this is a necessity, but it is. For example:

Katie Bug -> Buggie -> Bugga Boo ->Bugga Wugga -> Bugga Bugga

I bring up nicknames because we have had a bit of an issue agreeing on a nickname for Tristan. I need something masculine. Most of the good animal nicknames don’t really lend themselves to derivation. For example I tried Bjorn, but what can you do with Bjorn? The food side is much more promising with T-bone being the obvious choice, but Jen once dated a T-bone in a shining example of youthful indiscretion. Clearly T-bone was out, but why not the same cut from another animal? Perfect, we can call him pork chop.

And so it has been for weeks, I have been calling him Pork Chop much to Jen’s chagrin. Katie, too, calls him Pork Chop. Once in a while I even catch Jen calling him Pork Chop. The name is working well and I have plenty of options:

Pork Chop -> Chop Stick -> Pork Loin -> Pork Stew

The question is, how do I convince Jen that The Other White Meat is worthy?


2 thoughts on “On Nicknames

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