Just in case things have been getting a little too schmoopsy around here, I thought I would drag you into the gutter today. If you are a single man or a married man with out kids you might want to stop reading now, I don’t want to ruin it for you. The thing is men tend to have a very romanticized view of their women and women totally play into this. Guys don’t even want to imagine that women have a digestive system. When a women says she is going to powder her nose, that is what we think she is actually doing. This is why the episode of Sex in the City where Carrie farts in Mr Bigs’ Bed is so funny. The problem is this charade is impossible to maintain after conception. As a man you learn more than you ever wanted to know about your woman. — Natural child birth is probably the worst part of this, and I am only hearing stories about this since both of our children were born via C-Section. — Jen and I still joke about the early days trying to get Katie to nurse — boobs flying everywhere, me holding them, her holding them, me holding the kid, her holding the kid, the twisting, the turning, now we can look back and laugh, but back then it was pretty traumatic. And then there was the pump. OMG (and I don’t use that phrase lightly,) it totally changed the way I looked at breasts for at least ten minutes.

Now that we have two kids I was starting to settle back into my blissful world, but all that was turned on end a few days ago. See when you are potty training a girl you learn all sorts of things you didn’t want to know. For example, I didn’t know that women use their foot to flush in public restrooms, at least not until Katie tried to kick the toilet the other day. I really don’t get this, I mean you’re touching the door, you’re latching the stall, etc, do you really think the germs on the flusher are any different? Do you think they crawl up out of the bowl hang out there. Now I have never used the urinal next to Jackie Chan, but guys just don’t do this. We take care of business and then we wash our hands. Sure after I wash my hands I am going to push the door open with my foot, but flush? I keep having this comic vision in my head of some broad all dolled up getting her Ferragamo heel stuck in the mechanism and ending up flat on her back covered in the gelatinous ooze that covers the floor of a bar bathroom. Don’t you worry about this?

No sooner than I had flushed this from the forefront of my mind I learned another gem. Women sometimes wipe before getting off the toilet! Let me get this straight, you won’t flush with your hand, but you are willing to let it break the plane of the bowl? I don’t care if it’s a pristine virgin toilet, my hand will NEVER break the plane of the bowl. I mean how gross is that? Is this common among women – do all women flush a public toilet with their foot? do all women wipe before they stand up? am I missing any additional female toilet habits that I must impart to my daughter?


One thought on “Everything I never wanted to know about women

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